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The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity Kindle Edition

by Esther Perel (Author) Format: Kindle Edition

4.6 4,842 ratings

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"A fresh look at infidelity, broadening the focus from the havoc it wreaks within a committed relationship to consider also why people do it, what it means to them, and why breaking up is the expected response to duplicity — but not necessarily the wisest one.” — LA Review of Books

From iconic couples’ therapist and bestselling author of Mating in Captivity comes a provocative and controversial look at infidelity with practical, honest, and empathetic advice for how to move beyond it.

An affair: it can rob a couple of their relationship, their happiness, their very identity. And yet, this extremely common human experience is so poorly understood. What are we to make of this time-honored taboo—universally forbidden yet universally practiced? Why do people cheat—even those in happy marriages? Why does an affair hurt so much? When we say infidelity, what exactly do we mean? Do our romantic expectations of marriage set us up for betrayal? Is there such a thing as an affair-proof marriage? Is it possible to love more than one person at once? Can an affair ever help a marriage? Perel weaves real-life case stories with incisive psychological and cultural analysis in this fast-paced and compelling book.

For the past ten years, Perel has traveled the globe and worked with hundreds of couples who have grappled with infidelity. Betrayal hurts, she writes, but it can be healed. An affair can even be the doorway to a new marriage—with the same person. With the right approach, couples can grow and learn from these tumultuous experiences, together or apart.

Affairs, she argues, have a lot to teach us about modern relationships—what we expect, what we think we want, and what we feel entitled to. They offer a unique window into our personal and cultural attitudes about love, lust, and commitment. Through examining illicit love from multiple angles, Perel invites readers into an honest, enlightened, and entertaining exploration of modern marriage in its many variations.

Fiercely intelligent, The State of Affairs provides a daring framework for understanding the intricacies of love and desire. As Perel observes, “Love is messy; infidelity more so. But it is also a window, like no other, into the crevices of the human heart.”

Editorial Reviews

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''[A] provocative study of relationships….The book is sure to spark intelligent conversations that will have readers everywhere examining their belief systems. This is a thought-provoking take on relationships and essential reading for couples dealing with infidelity.'' --Publishers Weekly

''Poignant stories of couples facing the aftermath of an affair and the highly knowledgeable analysis and advice they received from a well-trained couples' therapist.'' --Kirkus Reviews

From the Back Cover

An affair: it can rob a couple of their relationship, their happiness, their very identity. And yet, this extremely common human experience is so poorly understood. What are we to make of this time-honored taboo—universally forbidden yet universally practiced? Why do people cheat—even those in happy marriages? Why does an affair hurt so much? Do our romantic expectations of marriage set us up for betrayal? Is there such a thing as an affair-proof marriage? Is it possible to love more than one person at once? Can an affair ever help a marriage? Perel weaves real-life case stories with incisive psychological and cultural analysis in this fast-paced and compelling book.

For the past ten years, Perel has traveled the globe and worked with hundreds of couples who have grappled with infidelity. Betrayal hurts, she writes, but it can be healed. An affair can even be the doorway to a new marriage—with the same person. Affairs, she argues, have a lot to teach us about modern relationships—what we expect, what we think we want, and what we feel entitled to. They offer a unique window into our personal and cultural attitudes about love, lust, and commitment. Through examining illicit love from multiple angles, Perel invites readers into an honest, enlightened, and entertaining exploration of modern marriage in its many variations.

Product details

ASIN ‏ : ‎ B01N5PY4ZN
Publisher ‏ : ‎ Harper; Reprint edition (October 10, 2017)
Publication date ‏ : ‎ October 10, 2017
Language ‏ : ‎ English
File size ‏ : ‎ 1604 KB
Text-to-Speech ‏ : ‎ Enabled
Screen Reader ‏ : ‎ Supported
Enhanced typesetting ‏ : ‎ Enabled
X-Ray ‏ : ‎ Enabled
Word Wise ‏ : ‎ Enabled
Sticky notes ‏ : ‎ On Kindle Scribe
Print length ‏ : ‎ 336 pages

Best Sellers Rank: #16,377 in Kindle Store (See Top 100 in Kindle Store)
- #5 in Divorce (Kindle Store)
- #9 in Marriage & Long-Term Relationships
- #26 in Love & Romance (Kindle Store)

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4.6 4,842 ratings

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Esther Perel

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'Hello, I'm Esther... I imagine a world where we experience a sense of aliveness and vitality in our relationships, because the quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives. I've dedicated my life and career to understanding and improving human relationships. Let's continue to learn together.'

Psychotherapist and New York Times bestselling author Esther Perel is recognized as one of today’s most insightful and original voices on modern relationships. Fluent in nine languages, she helms a therapy practice in New York City and serves as an organizational consultant for Fortune 500 companies around the world. Her celebrated TED Talks have garnered more than 20 million views and her international bestseller Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence became a global phenomenon translated into 25 languages. Her newest book is theNew York Times bestseller The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity. Esther is also an executive producer and host of the award-winning podcast Where Should We Begin? Learn more at EstherPerel.com or by following @EstherPerelOfficial on Instagram.

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Tarah-Leah

Riverting - Mind Consuming:)

Reviewed in the United States on July 3, 2023

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What can I say, a book every person should read. I decided to read the book after watching numerous interviews of Ester. Her thought process, reasoning and advice are all so enticing. You just want to binch all her material. The way she brings complicated relational issues to us, and how she delve deeper is mind blowing.

This book is no different, her words fly off the paper and her reasoning and conceptualization of each couples delimma is absolutely beautiful. The way how she doesn't judge your wrongs but understand she is there to listen, delve deeper and help one make sense of the why.

I am in no way in a marriage of infidelity but I know ppl who had gone through it, who had done it to their partners, who are being judge for it, and of whom had lost partners and yet they have no closure of the "why". I was one of those who would simply just judge someone who committed infidelity and see the partner as the victim, never thinking even in this story their are two sides to the coin and if we take the time to delve deeper we too would realize often time there is no victim because both parties have a part in what transpired. And this is the reason why I wanted to learn more about why ppl go astray, why we wonder or long for something different at times and what to do when that happens.

I realized we are all just imperct human being, cheating is not just the physical, it is the emotional. Some of us cheat in our minds and that is also something we need to talk over and deal with. I certainly have found myself in the mind cheating sphere and this book really help you dig deeper and finding answers.

This book is not only for those who committed infidelity or who had been cheated on, it's for everyone because we are all capable of infidelity in one form or another. The sooner you learn about it, the better you'll be able to understand and be less judgmental to those even yourself committing it.

20 people found this helpful

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Sanjay Bhatnagar

There's a lot to love about this brave

Reviewed in the United States on October 11, 2017

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There's a lot to love about this brave, bold, beautifully written and impeccably researched this book. It should be read by any one going through or recovering from an affair and by any one who is counseling a friend or loved one through the experience of infidelity--including other clinicians! I love how Esther brings a more nuanced, compassionate and less judgmental approach to this topic that is more commonly subject to vilification and endless judgment. It's very easy to blame and reflexively want to label who's right, who's wrong, who's good, who's bad, etc--but that often doesn't allow for much growth or greater understanding in a relationship which is a crucial path for maturing and expanding as a human being. Offering a refreshing, radically different perspective on love, desire, infidelity and more, The State of Affairs offers the means for many more people to become emotional grown ups. It's lovely to read how Esther brings her whole heart to this subject and her clients; it's the combination of her big heart and brilliant mind that makes this book super compelling and allows her to have such a dramatic impact on her clients. Thank you, Esther!

7 people found this helpful

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Ms. Sandra Lace

Useful reading

Reviewed in the United States on February 3, 2024

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Great material to widen every therapist mind and understanding about couples relationship struggles. I got some more aspects how to look on reasons of infidelity.
This book can be helpful not only for psychotherapists but also - as author put it into title - for anyone who has ever loved.

2 people found this helpful

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Malinda

Great book, has really helped me understand infidelity

Reviewed in the United States on December 18, 2019

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Great book, has really helped me with my marriage and helped me understand more about affairs. Take note that I read this book almost 6-8 months after discovery of the affair and months of marriage therapy so I believe this book would not have been as helpful earlier in the process. I don’t believe my head would have been in a place of willingness to hear some of the things in this book. However, every scenario described in the book, at first I’m always upset at the cheater and can’t understand why they would do that, but after Ester explains both sides, even though I don’t agree that an affair is the right choice or a good solution, I do understand better and see that there is not always a clear right and wrong party.

Overall I really like this book and feel it has really helped me in understanding affairs in general as well as in my own marriage. I will caution, like previous reviewers commented, a chapter near the end of the book suggests that maybe the problem isn’t infidelity but our society’s definition of marriage and maybe we need to rethink the boundaries of what is acceptable and what is allowed in a marriage. This, in my opinion, is flawed and goes against everything I believe. Besides this one chapter dedicated to this idea, there are moments sprinkled in the book where she hints at this notion but she herself seems confused on if that is the best solution as most of the time the relationships with more liberal open rules still end up having affairs, so her defense on this idea doesn’t have much weight. Other than those moments I love the book and it has truly helped me understand and forgive and move on, not forget, but forgive and move on.

My favorite part of the book is a chapter near the end that talks about three different types of couples (referring to ones that stay together after infidelity), the ones who never move on, they stay hurt and constantly bring up the affair and the pain and blame each other, the ones that sweep it under the rug and almost pretend it never happened and “move on” but they don’t really move on because they live in denial that anything even happened, and then there are those that use the affair to transform their marriage and find the positives from the affair and can connect more deeply because of it.

I gave this book 4 stars instead of 5 mainly because of the ideas I don’t agree with regarding redefining marriage, a notion that half the time she seems to be on the fence about herself but has a whole chapter dedicated to it as well as sprinkled hints about through out the book. Other than that I do like the book and found it insightful and loaded with good ideas and mainly understanding.

71 people found this helpful

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Darian Hall

Insightful and challenging read

Reviewed in Canada on May 18, 2023

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Very interesting perspective on infidelity from both sides of the fence. Would recommend reading this book regardless of your relationship status.

2 people found this helpful

Arge

Muy enriquecedor

Reviewed in Mexico on September 22, 2022

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Me encanta como escribe Esther, es tan interesante e inteligente y tan variada. Es como leer y pensar en distintos idiomas al mismo tiempo. La temática del libro es muy actual y se aborda de excelente manera. Soy fan.

One person found this helpful

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Cliente

Thought provoking

Reviewed in France on December 6, 2023

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Again, Esther Perel takes us on a journey to self-discovery. It's an invitation to question our definition of monogamy, infidelity. The stories shared in this book give a large spectrum of perspectives that one can relate to one way or another. One thing for sure, we're living a society shift and this book helps seeing the good outcome that chaos can bring.

Lena

An eye-opener

Reviewed in Germany on November 28, 2022

Verified Purchase

Being an anxious type and over-romantisizing relationship expectations almost made me give up on my healthy relationship.
Esther showed me that all the problems we have is very common and normal and guided me back on earth to deal with our problems rationally with lots of patience.
“You can build love with anybody, but you cannot build a life with anybody.”
Beautifully said.

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